This topic is a tough one, I know. This story in the bible is a "not so popular one" just as my ministry is. But the truth is, its reality. It has happened since the beginning of time and it is happening now. Divorce, adultery, living with someone who is not your spouse. It is real, it is happening and it will continue to happen til the end of time.

We all the story of the woman at the well. She had been married five times, she is living with a man who she is not married to and she meets Jesus at the well during the heat of the day where she knows no one will be at the well to "judge" her for her sins. He already knows her story, why she is there and what she can do to escape her sinful life. He talks to her about "living water."

At first, the woman at the well thought Jesus was speaking about running water that she could received instead of having to work so hard to retrieve the water out of the well. She was very excited to not have to work so hard to get water. But instead, He was talking about the cleansing and refreshing power He was offering her - she was extremely excited now! Jesus was talking about God's own Mercy. A dependable source of cleansing and refreshment from the inside out. He was talking about a fresh start for a life that was going nowhere, a heart that had shriveled and hardened. He knew all about her and all she had done and still promised her forgiveness. She was so excited that she left her pail at the well and ran to tell everyone her testimony about Jesus to all the people who judged and shunned her. Once she opened up to them about the flow of the living water, she couldn't stop telling about what Jesus had done for her. (I KNOW THE EXACT FEELING! :) )

Because Jesus does His best work with broken people, we need to be ready to be worked on. I know in my season of sin I was so broken that I laid in His hands like broken glass just begging to be put back together. When we are in that position, that is when the Healer begins His work.

He calls our attention away from our failures and toward Him. The answers to your current or past failures is exactly the same answer to your sins. It is also the same answer He gave the woman at the well. His answer is truth - you are called to face the truth about the sin in your life. His answer is forgiveness - you can repent of your sin and start over without condemnation. But above all, His answer is Himself. He wants us to turn to Him, open up to Him and receive all of the living water He has in store for us. No matter what you've done, no matter where you've gone, no matter the number of adulterous affairs or divorces you've had, you are still eligible for receiving the living water.

It really is that simple. But simple does not mean easy because we still live in a fallen, sinful world. Because all sin - especially relational sin - still has long-lasting, real-life consequences. In this world we have trouble, which means even with Jesus we'll face times when we don't know what to do or we can't bring ourselves to do what is right. But that's exactly the point of living water. Because water is never a one-time gift but a flowing, fresh source of cleansing of refreshment and power.

Part 2 we will talk about what the living water can do for you. Until next time.....

God bless,
Shannon

I hope you have found some peace and knowledge about abuse in this series and why abusers do what they do. I know every abuser has a different reason and a different excuse, but they all have the same outcome. In this last part I want to talk about forgiveness, reconciliation and healing. This is a difficult one for me because I am still in the process of forgiving and healing, but it is paramount in order for us to truly get through it and move on with our lives.

We must forgive because Jesus told us to. He said we need to forgive if we want to be forgiven (oooooooh, never thought about it that way, huh?) Not only does He command us to forgive, but He modeled forgiveness towards His enemies as He hung on the cross. Spiritually and psychologically, forgiveness is what makes reconciliation and healing possible in relationships.

Is forgiveness the first thing the victim should do? No! The first thing that needs to be done is for the victim to find a safe place away from the abuser, mourn the loss of the relationship that has been severed and start rebuilding their lives. A lot of times the person is counseled too quickly to forgive and the victim has never really healed nor ever truly forgiven the abuser. They forgive the abuser just because they are told to, not because they really have forgiven them. That is a dangerous place to be as someone who has experienced that. I thought I had forgiven my abuser years ago and come to find out, it was just another lie I told myself to mask the pain and not have to think about it. The problem with that is, I found myself always turning to earthly things to mask the pain of my past from the abuser I never really ever forgave.

You must realize that forgiveness is a process, it is not quick and it is not easy. It grows you as a person and makes you stronger - if it were quick and easy, it would not transform and change you. Another thing to remember in your process of forgiveness, is that just because you forgive your abuser does not mean you accept that behavior, excusing a wrong or reconciling with the abuser.

In an abuse situation, forgiveness and reconciliation can't come first. What comes first is, truth. Naming the abuser for what it is without excuses or cover-ups. Another top priority is safety - doing whatever it takes to stop the abuse and break the cycle. So is seeking help from God and others and accepting help in whatever form it takes. There will always need to be a period of healing and restoration for the victim, a time when the abuser works through old ways and learns how to live with others. And forgiveness will almost always play a part in this healing, but it may take a while and forgiveness won't necessarily mean restoring the relationship. Reconciliation can only follow true repentance - which involves real change over a period of time and a slow rebuilding of trust.

Remember, repentance is not the same thing as remorse. An abuser can feel remorse and still go back and continue to abuse. The process involves true repentance and a deep commitment to stop all abusive behavior. It also requires the help and support of other people, the establishment of new patterns and habits. Only time will will confirm whether change is both real and lasting. Only time will show whether reconciliation is really possible. But even if an abuser never repents, God's grace can still work at transforming an abusive situation.

If abuse is part of your life, please know there is hope for you too. It has taken 34 years for me to experience the abuse, years and years of experiencing things to cover up the pain and ramifications of the abuse, and who knows how long it will take for me to heal and forgive the abuser for it all. But I know it won't happen automatically - it may not happen in my time or the way I think it should happen. I have to seek help and make hard choices that I don't want to make. But there is a future for me as well as for you. There is safety and freedom when you see the God who sees you.

Welcome back! Part 1 I spoke about how abuse has two underlying reasons for its doing: control and sin. Part 1 was about control, today I will talk about how sin is the other underlying issue. In my situation, the abuser was not a saved person nor did they even attend church. When the devil sees that a person does not attend church, does not read the bible, does not spend time in prayer, does not turn to The Lord in time of need, tries to control every situation and event in their life making them think they do not need God, sin enters in ever so sly. All it takes is one crack in someones life to allow Satan to stick his claws in you and it literally takes an act of God to get them out of you.

Sin is in all of us, we all sin each day falling short of the Glory of God. What we must do, though, is repent of our sins and try our very hardest to live like Christ each day. But when the abuser has not been exposed to The Gospel and had not been taught the plan of salvation, the abuser does not know other wise. When sin gets a hold of them, it is who they actually become! Sin runs very deep in people; for example, murderers and child molesters. Those are very difficult for me to understand because how could a human being be so cruel? When the person does not live for The Lord, they live for the devil. The bible says no one can serve two masters. So they must choose: God or Satan?

We must be very clear about the Bible's condemnation of violence and abuse. There are more than one hundred Biblical passages addressing battering, violence, rape, incest, stalking, lying, twisting the words of another, threats and intimidation. Since The Word of God condemns violence and abuse, the Church must be faithful in teaching this truth. That message is very seldom preached from the pulpit and how life-changing it actually could be!

The God who sees our suffering is THE God of The Bible and the God we worship. He's the God who hears our cries of pain, who knows what we are going through, and who suffers when we suffer. And He doesn't just watch, He acknowledges; He cares! God is our refuge, He is the One who provides for us in our weakness and shelters us in our fears. God hates the wicked things we do each other, especially the evil we do in His name. He has a special concern for the powerless, the oppressed, the rejected, the victims of violence and the abused. And though the tendency to abuse one another seems entrenched in our fallen human nature, God is always at work to redeem us from our abusive tendencies and to rescue those who bear the brunt of this kind of sin.

The final part of this series on abuse will be about forgiveness, healing and reconciliation. This is VITAL in the healing process. I look forward to seeing you next week!

Blessings,
Shannon

Abuse is something I know all too much about and that is why I am making this blog in multiple parts. It is something that hits close to home with me. How about you? Have you encountered abuse of some kind? Sexual, emotional, physical or mental. The type of abuse I suffered has bruises and scars on the inside, you can't see them on the outside. Unfortunately, there are way too many of us who are suffering in secrecy with it. The interesting thing about abuse is that different people who experience it cover up their pain in different ways. Alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, marital affairs, depression, promiscuity, and many more painful instant gratification actions. For whatever abusive situation you faced (or are facing), you may still be struggling with anger, doubt, fear, insecurity and feelings of worthlessness. You may be confused, wondering if what you are experiencing is normal, whether it is really abuse or if you feel it is your fault. Perhaps you have become fearful and isolated that you have no idea where to turn. You want to talk to someone about it but you are too ashamed to open up and talk for fear of letting your "secret" out. But I am here to tell you, first hand as someone who has experienced MANY years of it, it is OK to open up to someone you can trust and talk about it. The more you tuck it away and hide behind it, the deeper the wounds become. 

We ask ourselves, "Why in the world would anyone want to abuse someone?" Two simple answers: Control & Sin. When someone does not feel good about themselves they take it out on other people to do and say hurtful things. When they put down other people, that makes them feel better about themselves. It is just like that "bully" you went to school with. Notice it is always someone who portrays themselves confident and popular. But the truth is, they would not have to be a bully and put people down if they already felt confident about themselves. Knowing they have control over a person's feelings, actions and responses is what feeds their growing problem.

Control is what distinguishes abuse from generic sin and selfishness. Abuse is essentially a power play - an attempt to dominate or coerce another person. This is very important to understand because it is so often misunderstood. Abuse isn't an anger issue, although abusers often use rage as a weapon or an excuse. It's not a relationship issue, though it is a relationship destroyer. It's not a sexual issue, though abuse often plays out in sexual ways. And it's not a drug, alcohol or mental-health issue, although addictions and mental illnesses are often involved. While any of these factors may be involved in an abuse situation or contribute to it, the underlying motive will always be control. Simply put, abusers act out of a desire or need to control their environment by controlling the people around them.

Behind this urge to control, of course, is fear, insecurity, need - a need to feel less vulnerable, to be on top, to not feel pain or loss. People who feel weak or out of control tend to tighten their grip wherever they can and take out their frustrations on those who are weaker. Those who have been hurt or wounded attempt to make themselves feel less vulnerable by lashing out against those who can't fight back. And some people just want to get their own way, no matter what!

Another contributing factor to abuse is past experience - because abuse is learned behavior. Abusers typically resort to violence and control of others because that is what they are use to and have experienced in their lives. If you've experienced abuse as a child - either as a victim or onlooker - your chances of being involved with an abusive situation as an adult greatly increases. Even if you hated the abuse and vowed to never do that as an adult, you may find yourself lashing out in times of frustrations and stress. You may end up being an abuser or being in an abusive relationship because it feels familiar.

Abuse hurts the abusers as well as the victims. Although the abuse usually "works" - it achieves it purpose by gaining control and releases pent-up tension - it can never satisfy the underlying need that drives it. So the underlying anxiety continues, heightened by the guilt and shame of having harmed a loved one, the fear of being found out, and the fear of losing the very relationship the abuser tried so hard to control. 

Sadly, its human nature for those who fear weakness to prey on those who are even weaker, just as those who have been sinned against will almost always be tempted to sin.

The next blog I will dig deeper into the "sin" part of abuse and gain a deeper understanding of the sinful part of this hurtful behavior too many of us have unfortunately experienced. Until next time.....

Blessings,
Shannon